Imagine...

That you're sitting with roughly a dozen of your summer-internship co-workers at a local happy hour. As can be expected in Denver you're at a microbrewery, the beer is delicious, and you opt to try an intriguing and refreshing Left Hand Sawtooth Ale ... on draught, of course. Though you've been told that alcohol (ie, beer) can lower your seizure threshold (thus making a seizure more likely), you've had beer and other drinks several times since January, and a full pint on at least one other occasion since tapering off your anti-seizure medications.

You finish the satisfying pint in no particular rush, enjoying the beer's complex and well-balanced flavor, as well as the insider-joke-peppered conversation around you. You sit wondering at your good luck for landing such an internship where everyone is extremely smart, very personable, and also disarmingly nice, all while being willing to take a (serious) salary hit for rational working hours. As others at your age/stage in life work enormous hours for a commensurate paycheck, you realize how blessed you are to find yourself at 4:00 PM on a Wednesday with many of your co-workers, several blocks away from the office, drinking beer and discussing the upcoming weekend and everyone's planned adventures. You would love to work in an office like this one.

Then, imagine that without warning your vision/cognition immediately switches to the equivalent of an old-style film, not in sepia or black-and-white, but in color albeit with roughly every second and third frames removed. The world begins to stutter and, while you know that something is obviously very wrong, you're completely powerless to do anything about it. This lasts for maybe 5 seconds before you black out and wake up on the floor surrounded by paramedics asking you basic questions (like, "where do you work?") that you simply don't know the answer to. You just had (another) seizure.

This happened to me last Wednesday. Seizure numero dos. While the seizure itself is not really a big deal (as long as you don't bite your tongue or flail into something sharp/heavy then you'll likely be fine after your "post-ictal" phase completes), it's definitely embarassing to end up laid out on a barroom floor, while basic questions are asked to reveal to everyone that you are not even close to fully oriented. All in front of your co-workers. Regardless, after several attempts at trying to recall where I lived (it's crazy that I can even remember many of these questions!) I was taken to the Denver Health emergency room where they ran a few key blood tests and a CT Scan, neither of which gave any indication of tumor progression (thankfully). I wasn't admitted, and as a result of my seizure both Amanda and my dad decided to come out for a surprise (for everyone!) visit, which was great fun and unfortunately ended this morning. However, while they were here we walked all over downtown, over to REI, visited several coffee shops, and got to visit with Amanda's mom, aunt, uncle, and cousin, all who happened to be in the area at the same time. I guess I'll have to consider timing my seizures for bringing family together like's been happening these past 6 months. :) I'm a perfect excuse for a family-reunion, I guess.

Anyway, the doctors said that while seizure causes are not easy to pin down, it does seem that some residual swelling around the surgical site, the beer, the lack of anti-seizure meds, and a variety of other factors might have converged to make this one happen. They also called it a "partial" seizure, which I understand to be a milder form of the grand mal I originally had in January. Either way, it was an unwelcome event (and at a terrible time) but one which I'm confident is an ironic step in the right direction. No seizure is "good," but at least this one was milder than the previous, as well as a good way to get a CT scan showing no progression. Also, the next day I met with my summer-oncologist at The University of Colorado Hospital (who, very very interestingly, has full-blown Tourette's Syndrome) and am now almost finished with the first phase (five days straight/month=one phase; six phases total) of my maintenance chemotherapy. Once that's done they'll reevaluate and decide from there.

I hope to not have any more seizures if I can help it, or at least to have them at home would be preferable . Also, though I'm definitely not one to absolve myself or the world of responsibility and just say it happened because "God willed it," I do know that God has the ability and at times the will to make/prevent things from happening. Whether He wills my life to be one of tip-toeing on "seizure eggshells" or not, I'm sure it's a life that can be made into a beautiful purpose. It's that perspective that keeps me upbeat, the acknowledgment that, no matter what's going on in life, it could always be worse. There's always the potential to live a meaningful, joyful, and exciting life beyond ones immediate condition. Another seizure, even in front of a dozen or so coworkers in the middle of happy hour, is no exception.