While I've suspected it for a while, the other day at church I noticed that my conversational style has changed. Whereas before I would engage with other people in a much more direct and deliberate way, I now find myself to be somewhat of an "affable chatterbox." Not that it's a bad thing by any means. But sitting or standing in wandering conversation with others without much sense of urgency is a big change from before. I l like it. In a way it's comforting and dramatically reduces any stress of having an agenda to my discussions. The only downside is that I sometimes find myself caught in conversations in which I'd rather not be, with no easy exit strategy. Of course, I'm guessing that we all find ourselves there sometimes and "easy exits" might be rare anyway. See? I'm rambling now. :)
Anyway, one's perspective is a difficult thing for one to change, but it is so important to our general state of happiness. It also seems that, due to a dramatic shift in perspective (or maybe rather a reduction in credit load?) my general interactions with the world have definitely changed for the positive. The other day I was given a free, labor-intensive decaf coffee at Starbucks. I now notice when crossing the street how cars stop on time, or when a song on my
iPod ends perfectly as I step to my apartment doorstep. I am even able to better appreciate emergent birds, the weather, and other aspects of life that I only kind of noticed previously. Why this is I am really not sure. It could be my post-surgical cognitive state, medications, or even just a
reprioritization of...priorities. Whatever it is, I consider it a positive change; a change that I wouldn't give up for anything. Perspective and attitude are essential to appreciating life. I can make no claim that such attitudinal shifts are solely
achieved through choice, though bucking the "rational materialism" of Spinoza (which instead reduces every human "choice" down to a predetermined "impulse") I believe that choice is an essential element o
f the human condition. Though of course there are many factors that feed into such a claim, I simply can't accept that we're mere products of our make-up; that would absolve us from any sense of responsibility at all. Thus I choose to believe that I am at least partially choosing to appreciate life's small things through a new perspective. I have been amazingly blessed by a great surgical outcome, as well as a wonderful set of family, friends, and of course an amazing wife. All of these factors feed into why and how I can even make this choice. But the choice is there nonetheless and people in far more dire situations make the same choice every day. I definitely think that a few of my classmates could benefit from this perspective. (or maybe an elective brain surgery?)
Anyway, I suppose I'll end this section by saying that one's perspective on life is so important to how much joy and satisfaction one draws from it. Life is about many things. But one of the principle things it is about is appreciating the blessings that we encounter each and every day. Many of us have a difficult time with this, be it through physical, mental, or emotional conditions, or simply because we choose to view the world through a scratched and shaded lens. One result of this whole operation has been that I now notice God's blessings to a much greater degree, a degree which before went largely unnoticed. My only real concern at this point is that, when it comes time to land a job and begin paying back my law school loans (!), will I have the concentration to actually focus on the nitty-gritty or will I be distracted for hours on end by the beautiful sunshine? :) We'll see.
I also wish to reiterate why I appreciate AETNA Student Insurance, which just so happens to be (at least partially) connected to Proton Therapy and all of the other flexibility they've shown me over the past month and a half. To make a long story short, AETNA has finally agreed to cover my Proton Therapy treatment, for which I am very excited. This is the second step of two which now makes me eligible to begin my chemo and radiation-combined treatment on March 16th, after a quick "set-up" on the 15th. If anyone wishes for an update on what exactly this all entails, I've covered its basics pretty well below, but it's important to highlight that the Proton Therapy costs a bit more than twice as much as traditional Photon Therapy radiation (remember, we're trying to cover the costs of a massive, $150M machine here!). That said, it's also much more precise, and the anticipated negative side-effects of Proton Therapy (fatigue, hair loss, and some secondary cognitive effects) are hoped to be dramatically reduced from its traditional, Photon Therapy (x-ray) counterpart. So the final word is that a) I will begin Proton Therapy radiation (along with Temodar chemotherapy) on March 16th after a brief set-up the prior day and, b) AETNA will pay 100% of its associated costs. Blessed? I think so.
Today marked my "1/3 of the way finished with treatment" day. Very exciting. Though I really don't have any seriously negative side effects from either the chemotherapy or the proton radiation, I am starting to develop a "sun burn" patch on the top of my head which I am told can be a precursor to hair loss :(
hot through by protons five times a week. Though I'm told it's temporary (and may even grow back a different color!) it will feel a bit strange walking around with a bald patch on the front of my head. All of those "weird-O" people I wondered about as a kid have c
ome back to haunt me just as my grandma promised they would. Oh well, apart from a few awkward stares for a few months, I suppose things could always be much, much worse.
