"amazing grace - philosophy: how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light." (also, "perfumed shampoo, bath and shower gel")
This somewhat stupid and trite "inspirational" quote was taken from my wife's "Philosophy" bath and shower gel bottle, apparently a vessel of both wisdom and grapefruit/vanilla scented exfoliation in one 8 oz. shot. After reading it and then lathering up, I realized that messages like these are placed and seen throughout society, often merely as product endorsements, but sometimes as true and inadvertent calls to remind us of what we so often fail to find in life, God, friends, family, and wholly-distilled inspiration. Take a moment to think of where you encounter phrases and words such as these which, while meant to sell some kind of manufactured product, use some kind ethereally inspiring notion to dissolve everyday life-even for a moment. I imagine that advertisers use these "ah ha!" moments to briefly open our eyes to something much purer and more special than our everyday distractions before filling that opening with their product as the worthwhile alternative. Than again, who knows; maybe there really aint nothin' like Coca-Cola being the "Real Thing," and L'Oreal really is "Because You're Worth It." Personally, I think they're stupid. But this is not the purpose of this blog.
The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my adventures over the next year or so as a University of Pennsylvania Law student, about to undergo a brain tumor operation. I figure that an operation such as this is interesting for at least a number of reasons: 1) brain tumors and their operations are always those things that people having no brain tumor experiences probably regard as somewhat mythical, like Nepal. We hear that it exists and we occasionally come across stories of its impact, but until we actually experience its reality it remains a part of life to which we just simply cannot relate; 2) I am a law student at one the better law schools in America which, though it implies a very rebuttable presumption of intelligence (trust me, some people definitely "slip through the cracks" getting in to top law schools), does tie my surgery to my most important asset, my brain; 3) I hope to inspire others who suddenly find out that they need surgery such as this, with frequent updates of my condition, prognosis, and outlook, because while there is a lot of technical and statistical information out there, it is difficult to find first hand accounts; 4) I will have pictures, and hopefully pictures of my brain posted on this blog - and you have to admit that will be super cool.
However, before I get into my condition and what's going on, I just want to say that full participation on this blog is wholly encouraged. I would love to help create a forum for any kind of question whatsoever. I cannot guarantee that I'll be able to answer all questions, and I may even stop making sense after a while (remember, this is not gall-bladder surgery here). But I will do my best, and I very much hope that my experience can be used to encourage and inspire others who are affected by similar circumstances. (of course, I realize that if I stop making any kind of sense that this is not exactly encouraging but...I digress).
So to bring everyone up to speed on who I am and what's going on: My name is Brian Trainor, I am 30 years old, born and raised in New Jersey, very happily married, I live in an apartment in University City/Philadelphia with my wife, cat, and about a dozen very heavy law books. I love it here. While we hope to move to the Denver area after graduation, Philadelphia has so much going for it that it is slowly creeping up as a very credible alternative. As one can see from my other blog (briamanda.blogspot.com-linked to this one through my profile), my wife and I met at the University of Hawaii during undergrad, and after working for a few years as a Bills Researcher for the Hawaii State Senate Ways and Means Committee we married and whisked ourselves off to Panama for a two-year adventure with the US Peace Corps, where we learned semi-fluent Spanish. Before all that I worked as an EMT-Intermediate, running 911 emergency calls full-time for Honolulu's Chinatown nightshift (awesome job!), and before that lived and worked in the mountains of Colorado (Breckenridge) as, for lack of a better term, a ski-bum (also a great time!). It was during this Colorado mountain experience during which I became a Christian, something which, though I may fail to mention the fact in every other sentence on this blog, is easily the most important aspect of my life and something from which I am eternally (literally!) grateful.
I originally decided to pursue law school because of a fascination with public policy, though admittedly this has been somewhat tempered over time by a fascination with prosecution. Last summer I interned at the US Attorney's Office for the District of Colorado, where I basically fell in love with the work, the people, and the profession. Either way, I am currently applying to Princeton's Woodrow Wilson School of Public Affair for a Masters Degree in...Public Affairs, and I very much hope to pair Princeton's training with my law degree, to one day work as an effective government prosecutor.
Anyway, everything was going just dandy for me until last Thursday, January 7th, when out of the blue (well, after a few pints of Guinness) and at 3:45 AM, I had a massive seizure for which I was rushed to the hospital. When there, a CT Scan informed us that some kind of a lump was present, and a follow-up MRI confirmed the lump as a brain tumor on the medial aspect of my left frontal lobe, about 2.5 cm in size. If you want to find the approximate equivilant area of your own head where my tumor is located, simply find you widow's peak in the middle of your forehead and move up the middle of your scalp about 3 inches. The tumor will be just a wee bit to the left side. To be honest, it's still somewhat unbelievable to even type this, because like many of you it's hard to accept that this drama is happening not just to someone to whom I am very close, but to actual "me." I have no headaches, no blurred vision, no neurological deficits of any kind; just a digital picture and a doctor's expert opinion that I have a tumor in my brain that must come out. It's been a whirlwind to say the least, and the meds they have me on (Dilantin-for seizures, Dexamethasone-a steroid to keep down brain swelling, and some kind of hard-cord antacid) have kept me in somewhat of a constant daze. In fact, roughly ten minutes or so after taking my 4x daily Dexamethasone dosage, my brain feels as if it's wrapped in a warm fuzzy snuggie, and I've had to apologize to many professors and friends for my glazed smile and dopey responses. For whatever reason, it also seems to encourage me to declare that I'm stoned, which always seems funny to me at the time. Apparently, this Dexamethasone has something like 30-40x the strength of Hydrocortisone, and could be regarded as "recreational" under the right conditions. (not to mention that people have actually been banned from various sports for "doping" with this so I feel pretty hard-core).
Back to the tumor. As you can probably imagine, my time since last Thursday has been very busy taking care of law-related stuff (arranging class), settling my Council of Student Representatives duties (for which I am the Treasurer, and for which only I know the books!), and even phone interviewing for a summer internship with the Department of Justice which, though I think went horribly due to the brain-scrambling effects of my meds, apparently went okay as they already notified me of their continued interest. In addition, I've tried my best to see and/or speak with most of my friends, professors, law school deans, and available family before the big day.
I suppose that many everyday people, suddenly transformed into critical patients, experience a similar sort of breathless rush towards their deadline. The past week has simply flown by. But the support and encouragement from all quarters has been amazing. My faith as a Christian has tripled, my attention and love for Amanda (my wife) and my family has as well, and life has really been distilled down to its very essentials. Despite the rush, it's been a week of clarity. It's been a struggling and difficult clarity at times, especially since the organ involved is the one upon which I still hope to rely as a future prosecutor. But it really is an amazingly profound gift to be able to view the world without the blinders of everyday distraction. I think of the people in Haiti who may never have had a chance for such contemplation, such soul-searching, and I realize how blessed I really am. Many of us in better circumstances never really identify with our mortality either, and it usually only through these dire circumstances that we are forced to. But we'll all die one day, each one of us. That's right! You reading this right now will one day actually die. Crazy huh?
We don't like to think of it because it's not pleasant, and we go from distraction to distraction, inflating their importance to keep ourselves from considering what really matters. I certainly hope that I won't be exploring that reality just yet. But considering it at this fundamentally deep and actual level is something that really makes me feel alive. I thank God for that. And over the next year or so, I hope that this blog will be able to share just a part of my thoughts and experiences as 2.5 cm+ of the medial aspect of my left frontal lobe is cracked open, cut out, and resected into a new brain. Brian 2.0. Tomorrow morning at 8 AM. Here's hoping for a super power or two. :)
Brian, You are one amazaing person. I have the highest hope for you. You are in good hands and have lots of love and prayers surounding you.
ReplyDeleteBest Wishes,
Jenny
Thanks for your candor, insight, and inspiration. I look forward to reading all your future posts. Love, Lauren
ReplyDeleteBrendan said...
ReplyDeleteWe all love and support you Brian and will be with you every step of the way through this experience. Reading this has brought a sense of comfort to myself and im sure many more, knowing that you will inspire every soul that reads this blog. And we all know how much you have accomplished and you have got much more a head of you. Kimee Aiden and I are praying for you every step of the way and I cant tell you how happy I am that i have such a good role model for Aiden to look up to. We love ya and good luck! Love, Brendan
Poignant, profound, magnificently written.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Aunt Patti
More prayer for you from out here in the middle of nowhere, Utah. Good luck, and let us know how things go.
ReplyDelete-Aaron
godspeed Brian. Our thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteBrian,
ReplyDeleteYour sweet Aunt Pat Mosquera shared this with me today and I want you to know that a bunch of Southern Baptists will be praying for you to have the "peace that passes understanding" as you go through these trying times. I rejoice with you that you know your future is eternal life. God is good all the time. Mary Tawney Katy, Texas
Brian,
ReplyDeleteYou are incredible. This post, and the idea for the blog itself, is funny, smart and sure to touch a lot of lives, starting with mine.
You're also a wonderful writer and express yourself with a rare clarity. Glad to hear you made it through surgery and looking forward to hearing from Brian 2.0.
Much love, Emily
Hi Brian & Amanda,
ReplyDeleteJust a simple love note to show some love & prayer for my extended family. Just got word that you pulled through surgery & were relaxing comfortably. I will keep my thoughts & prayers uplifting & spread them your way.
I look forward to actually meeting you both soon so make a nice recovery, Bri.
God speed!
Steve aka Yosh's sister
{Sharon}
Brian,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea. You are an inspiration!
Thinking of you all this weekend. You're in my prayers and in my heart!
Love,
Adam
Hi Brian and Amanda,
ReplyDeleteYou do not know me, I heard about this blog from your Mother's cousin Brigid, she is a friend and colleague. She emailed me and I'm sure many other friends and colleague's about your imposed adventure. I am inspired and in awe of your strength and grace under these unpredictable circumstances. My prayers are with you and Amanda, who I'm sure is by your hospital bedside right now, speaking softly everything will be alright. I know that somehow these tests, trials and tribulations all somehow make us stronger, and as you so adequately put it "distilled down to the very essentials" make us appreciate the simple things that we take for granted. As we all are fighting some sort of battle, emotionally, or physically. A quote I love from an unknown author "Attitude makes the difference between an ordeal and an adventure". And Brian my dear, you have an amazing attitude, you have already succeeded in your adventure. I know the love of your family and friends will see you through. Take care,
God Bless..your mother's cousin's friend Maria
Amazing blog Brian.
ReplyDeleteThrough all the hard times, you'll be able to say, "I can do all things through He who Strengthens me."
I always knew you had it in you.
We love you and we're praying for you.
Love,
Mrs. F
Brian,
ReplyDeleteI have ben thinking of you and praying for you a lot.I know you will find the strength to live everyday as the gift it is. If I can help in anyway I am here for you.
Walter F
Brian..
ReplyDeleteMike and I are praying for you and we love you--I know we only, by we I mean me and you, only hung out for a bit last Jan...but it was awesome to get to know you and see who it was that Amanda has been sharing her life with around the world...you are an awesome guy! And you are in our prayers...God is sooooo good...and he loves you and I LOVE that you are really seeing HIM through all this-the joy of life and appreciation of all things...and I love that you are just enjoying things...going on walks hanging out with friends and that you are funny through it all! Please continue to write and we are only a few hours away so we are here for you two!!!!! xoxo
Misha Cohen in NYC (friend of amandas from bakersfield)